


Feathers

by kayla_desirae_collins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 11:45:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6327682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayla_desirae_collins/pseuds/kayla_desirae_collins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, its normal for us to look down on ourselves. We know our flaws and its hard for us to overlook them. Especially when someone you don't even know, points them out for you. But sometimes when were in a really rough part of life, things begin to look up and suddenly, you are given the world. Even with the way he treated you, Castiel is in love with you and he wants nothing more, than to make it up to you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feathers

“Hey Feathers. Whatcha doing?” you questioned as you approached the angel. He shifted in his chair, turning his torso towards your voice. Okay, maybe he wasn't exactly an angel anymore; due to some unfortunate events he lost his grace. The once angel was now in fact human. But it didn’t matter... to you, Cas would always be an angel… the angel you secretly and indefinitely fell in love with. Immediately you noticed he wore faded jeans with a tear in the knee and a black t-shirt.

“(y/n),” he began as his brows were already in there resting squinting position.   
“I don’t understand…” his voice faded off as he tried to process what you had called him. Clearly, he was not a feather, nor multiple ones for that fact; surely you could see that. Light chuckles escaped you as you began shaking your head. Pulling out the chair beside him, you sat down; your eyes trailing over what he was researching. There were piles upon piles of papers and a couple of mountains of books surrounding him.

“Its an expression…kinda,” you, yourself, pondered it over a second before you shook your head and moved on from the subject. Picking up a book, you scanned over the cover for an answer to your question. Castiel wasn't exactly helpful when it came to answering questions. Honestly, he kept his words to a minimum around you. However; the brothers were off on a case while you and Cas stayed back to hold down the fort. To be true, you stayed to watch over the former angel; humanity was definitely not one of his strongest suits. For the matter, with you two being alone, he would have to talk to you sooner or later.

“Cas, what is all of this?” you pushed. The book you had picked up didn’t really make sense to you. “To Kill A Mockingbird”, sure it was a good book but it wasn't what you were expecting.  
“I thought you’ve been in here researching,” you added, still viewing the cover. He watched you and remained silent; he wasn’t exactly sure what to say. It took you a moment before you finally peered up at him through your lashes, raising a brow as you awaited a response. Still nothing.  
“Well uh anyway, I was wondering if you were hungry. Maybe if you wanted to go out and grab something, we could-“ you began before he cut you off.

“I’m not actually that hungry,” he spoke and he tilted his head as he noticed his book still in your hand. You were aware of his strange behavior and slowly placed the book back on the table from where you grabbed it. It wasn't really all that strange though, this was how he always acted around you.

“Oh, okay. If you wanted to though, you could come with me? Maybe just to get out for a bit?” you asked with instant regret. His features held what appeared to be annoyance; his eyes falling from yours as he withdrew his attention back down to the book he held.

“I have a lot that I need to do here, (y/n),” he responded; his head buried in the book, his eyes lost in the words. Your shoulders slumped in defeat; maybe you staying behind was a bad idea after all, maybe expecting him to change was asking too much from him. What did you honestly expect though? This was Cas and this was just how he acted towards you.

“Oh.” you paused as you attempted to gather yourself together. “Sorry for bothering you then.” Standing, you quickly pushed in the chair and began to walk out of the room. Your feet felt like a thousand pounds and it was hard for you to put one in front of the other. Your feelings were crushed, yet again; he wasn't like that with the brothers, he just wasn’t that cold to them. As you approached the threshold, you turned to look back at him; his attention still caught up in the paragraphs that consumed him. A smile lit your face for a moment before it was replaced with the all to familiar frown. No matter how he was to treat you, your heart still managed to skip a beat every single time you looked at him; your breath would hitch when your eyes met his; your soul would dance when he was just even near you. You were irrevocably in love with him; you knew this, because you couldn’t hate him when he hurt you.

After you gathered your things, you debated if you should tell him that you were leaving. The way you had bothered him earlier…you just didn’t want to upset him again. With your satchel over your shoulder, you began the tread up the staircase towards the entrance. Once you reached the top, the deep monotonous voice grabbed you from your thoughts.

“(y/n),” he called up to you. Slowly you turned around and approached the railing to look down at him; curiosity coating your face.   
“How are you getting into town?” he actually spoke to you in a complete sentence; peering up into your figure as he awaited his answer.  
Looking down, you were still able to get lost in his oceanic eyes which left you at a loss for words; making you unable to commit to a full sentence.

“Um…well, Dean and Sam have the impala so… I was just going to walk,” you answered. Below you, he shifted his stance and turned to the coat rack; grabbing a cotton zip up Sam had gave to him.

“I will drive you,” he answered as he slipped both of his arms into the jacket. His response left you with only shock and you were amazed at how fast you were able to pull yourself back together.

“No, you don’t have to, its okay. I’ve walked before, its no trouble. I don’t want to disrupt… er, whatever it was you were doing.” you explained in a frenzy. You didn’t want to make him feel obligated to take you considering he had the only running vehicle. He continued to climb the stairs, fixing his coat on the way up.

“I need to pick up a few things, I can stop you by a place to get some food,” he explained as he now stood directly in front of you, his blue eyes boring into you. Your gaze fell as your face flushed; he was the exact definition of angel, such a beautiful creature he was.

“Oh, yeah…sure… okay,” you nodded your head, not bothering to look up. Sometimes you could hold your emotions back, other times you were the splitting image of an obsessed teenager. Without further comment, he walked past you towards the door holding it open for you to follow him to his car.

The ride there was completely overridden with an awkward silence. Your mind continued to overthink, leaving you a complete mess. You sat in the seat next to him, trying your best to keep your attention out past the window but your eyes kept trailing back over to him. He was a literal magnet and you couldn’t pull yourself from staring. It started with his hands; you could see the bones through skin as they made their way down to his knuckles, veins doing the same thing. His grip on the steering wheel was tight, as his knuckles were beginning to turn white. Your eyes continued to travel up his arm towards his figure. The dark colors he wore suited him well and in your opinion, complemented his blue orbs; they also went well with his dark, unruly, messy hair. His jaw was slightly clenched and you could even see his adams apple bob, as he cleared his throat. His eyes were set straight ahead and you peered deeper into seeing as his attention was being occupied by his driving. He had a light stubble growing on his cheeks down to his defined jaw. Your eyes followed the contour of his face and you noticed the hair that stuck out behind his ears. His hair was a little longer than it normally is, but seeing as he is human, he would soon be having to get regular haircuts. Trailing down his neck, your eyes gazed down his chest. Man, you had fantasized about his toned chest; a couple of times throughout the years, you had been lucky enough to catch a glimpse here and there. His muscular biceps, all the way to his erotic hip bones; his form was just to die for. 

As your eyes neared his hips, you imagined the way they had looked that one time on a case in Ohio. Back when he was still an angel and he was captured and tortured by Naomi’s guard. They had him dangling by his hands from the ceiling of an old wear house; his shirt torn to shreds and blood dripping from his wounds; from an angel blade. When you and the brothers found him, you eliminated the threat surrounding you and you were able to rescue him. His defined hip lines could weaken a girl. Without intention, your eyes fell from his lower torso, down to the zipper of his jeans. As you stared for a moment, you couldn’t help but wonder just how substantially gifted he was down there. A deep clear of his throat brought you from your fantasizing thoughts; your eyes shot up and you were met with his steely blue gaze. How long had he been trying to get your attention?

“Where am I taking you?” his voice was deep but he gave nothing else away.

“I was just going to go the the diner across from the bar,” you answered. He nodded his head and focused back to the road. Letting out the breath you had been holding, you slumped down in the seat and rested your head on the window, closing your eyes. There was no way in hell, that he hadn’t caught you checking him out. The rest of the drive, you kept your eyes shut and listened to the car as it drove down the road.

You awoke to a hand on your shoulder and the luminous sound of a voice you were all to familiar with, calling your name. Your eyes shot open and you turned your head around, looking around at your surroundings. As you viewed the parking lot, you were able to tell where you were. Turning your head towards Cas, you gave him a shy smile and sat up as you unbuckled your seat belt and reached for the door handle.

“Thanks Cas,” you began and noticed him taking off his buckle as well. His eyes met yours and he nodded.

“You’re welcome,” he began gruffly.

“You’re coming in too?” the words fell from your mouth before you could stop them; your face showing the shock that ran through you. The rough edges that coated his face, fell from his features.

“I will join you, if you were to still have me,” he responded. “I could retrieve the things I needed before we go back home.” You nodded your head with the same knowing smile that you could never control.

“Of course, I always enjoy company.” Once the two of you made it into the diner and were seated, you were soon met with your waitress. Straight off the bat, she was prissy. Her eyes ogled Cas for too long at a time and she seemed to draw attention to her cleavage as she took the order. But to your luck, Cas was paying no attention to her. His clueless angel side would be your saving grace. She took his order first and as she turned to you, her whole demeanor changed. Some how you were able to place your order without loosing your head. When she left to retrieve drinks, you felt Castiel's stare on you, but you made it your mission not to look up at him. From the corner of your eye, you could see she was bringing the drinks back over to your booth and right as she approached the table, Cas’s phone went off.

“Excuse me,” he stood from the table while looking down at you. Nodding your head, you attempted to keep your eyes from his figure as he walked outside to answer the call.

“He your boyfriend?” the shrilly voice of the waitress rang in your ear as she slammed the glasses down on to the table, spilling some of your soda near your sleeve. With your mind wrapped up in itself, you mistakenly shook your head no. A long time ago, you made an agreement with yourself, that no matter what happened you would never pull the fake boyfriend card. But this time you wish you had.

“No, were just friends,” you continued with the truth. 

“Yeah, your sorta out of his league. If you know what I mean,” she answered. Your eyes widened and shot up to meet her gaze. That wasn't really the reaction you were expecting; sure you were ready for something a bit rude coming from someone like her, but that was down right harsh.

“Im sorry?” you questioned her, but your voice was weak. Deep down, you knew she was right though. Maybe thats why it hurt more than it should have.

“Well, I mean. Come on sugar, he’s hot and well,... you’re not.” She gave you a matter of fact clarity before she turned to walk away; checking on her other tables with a sure smile as she made her way back towards the desk. You sat in disbelief as her words stabbed through you. It wasn't long after that, that Cas returned to the booth but you were paying no attention. You felt your eyes begin to water and you sunk into your seat as you waited for your food. You could feel his questioning gaze upon you, but you dared not look up. If you had, your swollen eyes would surely spring free into a river.

The both of you ate in silence once the food arrived. The waitress did her best to impress Cas, but his focus was on you. What happened? Did he do something to upset you this badly? It was rare when you were silent, seeing as you talked all the time. It would be moments like these that the Winchesters had done or said something to make you upset, and you were on the brink of tears. Throughout the meal, you kept your gaze on your food; your attention lost to the words the waitress dropped on you. She was right though, and maybe that was why Cas wasn't into you; maybe thats why he wasn't fond of you. Maybe you tried too hard, even when you knew you didn’t stand a chance. You knew you weren’t perfect, but hearing the words come from someone else, only meant all your flaws were open on the table; they were truly an open book for everyone to see and that did nothing but make you feel more insecure. As your thoughts escalated through your mind, they left you wanting to curl up in a ball in a room that no one would ever find; especially Cas.

When it was time to pay, you threw the cash down on the table and made your way out of the diner. You didn’t even bother waiting for the change or the former angel that was sure to be following you; you just wanted to go back to the bunker, you wanted to be alone. 

“(y/n)?” Cas questioned once you both reached his car. It took you a moment, but you finally looked up to meet his gaze; your eyes glazed over with the unshed tears.  
“Why are you troubled?” His head tilted to the side and his eyes squinted in the cute way that you just can’t make yourself get over. You did your best to shove the feeling aside, it was time for you to move on; a broken heart can only take so much pressure before it gives up.

“Nothing, ‘m fine,” you admitted, eyes dropping to the gravel by your feet. There was a hesitation in response as you waited for him to unlock the door. 

“I know when your lying and I know when your upset,” he remarked. Even with not being an angel, he knew you inside and out. 

“So you know all my flaws then?” you whispered out, glancing back up to his blue orbs. With the volume of your voice, he hadn’t heard you; not like when he was an angel and had unbelievable celestial hearing.

“What?” 

“Im fine, Cas,” you overlooked his question; what you had said was just admittance to yourself. Of course he knew your flaws, why had you even believed different.   
“Can we go?” you pressed, pulling on the door handle to the car.

“(y/n),” he tried again.

“Castiel, please,” you tried your best to keep it together. A tear slipped down your cheek and you turned your face away from his; trying to wipe it away without him seeing. It took him a moment before he unlocked the door and you slid inside. As he sat down beside you, he watched as you hastily pulled your seatbelt on and rested your head against the window, closing your eyes. Had he done something? He was only trying to protect you, but had he pushed you too far? You never called him by his full name and seeing you the way you were, began to make him worried. As he put the key into the ignition, he started the car; the diner quickly fading out of view from the rearview mirror. Some time later, the car pulled into a cement paved area; it differed from the gravelly highway road. Once he parked, Cas glanced over to you again.

“Would you like to come inside?” his question didn’t seem to phase you. Opening your eyes, you took in the sight in front of you. You were parked at a bookstore that had a coffee shop inside. Without speaking, you slumped further into your seat. His shoulders fell as he watched you. Of all people, you were declining a book store?   
“Are you sure you don’t need anything?” he pressed. Turning to him, you offered him a soft smile but shook your head no. Hesitantly, he opened his door and walked into the store. Your eyes tearing up as the doors shut behind him. 

When you arrived back at he bunker, you went straight to your room. Cas was only in the store for a couple of minutes before he was right back out with a bag carrying his items. The ride home was quiet, you didn’t say anything and he refrained from asking any more questions. As you laid on your bed, you stared up at the ceiling in silence. It probably wasn't the best decision, being alone with your thoughts, but you didn’t want to be around Cas. The waitress seemed to have knocked some sense into you; he didn’t want you, he was busy, and so you shouldn’t bother him. You just needed to let go. Little did you know, Cas couldn't focus on his new books. He had been reading stories because of a sudden interest; with you leaving your books scattered along the bunker, he had picked one up and took a liking to it. Now he just couldn't get enough. He wanted to read every single one of your books, especially your favorites, but he didn’t want to ask to borrow them. Honestly, the less he had to do with you, the better. With him, you wouldn’t be safe. Not to top it off, but you lived with the Winchesters; being with him would be worse and he couldn't bring it to himself to risk it. He loved you, just like he knew you loved him; he could see it in the way you looked at him and the way you acted around him. But the way he handled the purgatory and leviathan situation, letting Lucifer from his cage, and everything else that seemed to add up, he was determined not to screw this up. Even if you were his soulmate, he would do anything to keep you alive; even if that meant breaking his own heart. However, he never wanted to hurt you. Seeing you upset always made him question himself. Had he done the right thing to blow you off like that? Should he have phrased that a little nicer? Each day, it grew harder and harder for him to keep up his strict, detached demeanor; especially since he became human.

A knock on your door pulled you from the great beyond. Sitting up, you knew it was him, Sam and Dean were states away and they sure as hell wouldn't have made it back. Laying back down, you pulled the blankets over your head. You had still been crying and you didn’t want him to see you like that; vulnerable, broken, lost, weak. The once strong, celestial angel didn’t need a fragile human to try and comfort. 

“(y/n)?” he questioned, pushing the door open and stepping through the door. He searched the room before his eyes landed on your bed, your leg was hanging off the side; the only part of your body that was showing. When you didn’t answer, he walked closer to you; standing above you as he waited for you to look up at him. You made no intention of removing the blanket from your face and a light frown encased his fading smile. He finally sat down on the edge of your bed, careful not to accidentally hit your foot and he sat there with you for what felt like forever.

“I made you a pb&j,” he explained. It sounded foreign with his rough, monotone voice but he did his best to sound enthusiastic. 

“We just ate,” you answered. 

“Yes, but it will help you feel better. At least… they help me feel better when I am upset.” 

“Cas, im not upset. I just don’t…” you trailed off, silence filling the room. He felt a little better hearing you call him by his nickname, but it wasn't about him feeling better. It was about you.

“I know… I know that I’ve done some things to upset you, but I….” he stopped, unsure on how to continue. “At the diner, I’m not sure what I did or if it was something I said… but I never wanted to make you cry. I realize now, that everything I’ve done, has hurt you,” he paused and his tone began to make you question everything. What did he mean? Why was he being so nice and welcoming right now? This wasn't the Cas you knew. Was he apologizing? What was happening? Slowly, you pulled the covers from your head; your red rimmed eyes peering into the blue orbs that held… sorrow? 

“You didn’t do anything,” your voice was rigid and mostly groggy. His eyes searched for the truth, but he knew better. He had done everything; he treated you badly, he pushed you away, he made you feel as if he didn’t care though you meant the world to him. Perhaps that was why it was so important to stay away. If it ever came down to saving you or the world, he wouldn’t hesitate to answer; just like Dean did with Sam and vice versa. It was then that he realized keeping his distance did nothing, everything has changed. He would pick you over anything and that meant your well being came before anything else.

“Im sorry,” escaped from his lips before he could even think it over. You watched him hesitantly and slowly began to shake your head.

“No, Im sorry.” another tear fell.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he answered, his features crippling with each second that passed. He wanted to pull you to him; cradle you from the world, protect you. 

“I should have saw the signs, Cas. She was right.” you mumbled and instantly he was lost.

“Who?” he questioned, trying his best to get to the bottom of your problem.

“The girl at the diner. Why would you want me?” wiping your eyes, you sat up and let out a light laugh. What ever humor you found in this confused him.

“What?” his squinting stare consumed you. What girl had you talked to? What had the two of you talked about?

“She was right,” you repeated and your attention was lost as you lost focus. Everything was shit anyway, why not just tell him?

“(Y/n), I don’t believe I understand.” Your eyes raised and met his.

“You’re hot and Im not,” you answered without your gaze falling. He watched you wearily and attempted to speak several times before he was able to get something out.

“What does that mean?” Of course he wouldn’t understand. 

“You’re attractive Cas.” Thats all you said as you stared into one another before his eyes squinted again.

“This is just a vessel…” he drifted off, his hand was now next to your leg and his thumb rubbed against your skin several times before you pulled your leg away.

“No, its not just a vessel.” You roll your eyes at his ignorance.   
"This is what you're supposed to look like, this is your human vessel. You're father, chose this to be your one true vessel; the one strong enough to contain you and yeah, he chose this one to be Jimmy too but this is you Cas. It belongs to you just as much as it belonged to Jimmy’s soul. Yeah, I admire your looks; you're beautiful. Your eyes are like a deep ocean of their own and your grace only fueled the vibrant shine, I always want to gaze into them. Your hair is unbelievable, how it's as dark as night but at the same time it's just a deep dark brown all its own; I mean whether it's combed down or frazzled every which way, I always just want to run my hands through it. Your arms seem comforting, as if they could hold me close to your heart, I realize there is no place I'd rather be, I always want to be near you because I feel safe with you. But I'm not just in love with you eyes or your hair or the feel of being safe, I'm in love with who you are... angel or not. You’re kind and compassionate. You always give your all no matter what your doing. Your funny, even though most of the time you don't understand, I find it charming and cute. I know that your not an angel any more, but you are your own kind of person Cas and I’ve fallen in love with you even when I know you don’t feel the same; even when I know the girl at the diner was right.”

“(y/n)?” he questioned you, curiosity coating his voice. He hadn’t realized just how gone you were, how much you felt for him.

“Seriously, you don’t have to say anything to that. I get it and what she was saying is the truth. You’re hot and beautiful and amazing and funny and cute, why would someone like you ever be in love with someone like me.”

“Someone like you?” 

“Cas, please. You know exactly what I’m talking about. People like you push the broken people, like me, away.” You stood and walked over to your dresser. Somehow you were able to hold yourself together, with the exception of a few tears that had already shed. 

“You’re not broken and you are at most prepossessing; you are by far the most beautiful creation my father has ever made, body and soul. Why do you think you are anything different than that?” his interrogation was earnest but it left you confused. You of all people would know what it feels like to be ignored, especially by Cas. But this? His sudden interest in your well being was making you question it all. Had you been dreaming? Maybe this was all caused by the works of a Djinn; maybe none of this was real. But did it really matter? Djinn or not?

“You should know the answer to that Castiel,” his name slid off of your tongue without ease as your words caught in your throat.

“Ive only done what I’ve needed to do, in order to protect you,” he knew where this was going and he wanted to explain himself while he had the chance.  
“I have only ever wanted to keep you safe,” he added. You turned around to him slowly. What did he mean? That he had purposefully pushed you away? Your eyes spilled over and he stood from your bed. He approached you quickly and you flinched due to his suddenness, closing your eyes. All at once, he rested his palm to your cheek; his thumb wiping away the stain on your face.  
“But in my attempts in doing so, I hurt you; I am the reason why you think so poorly of yourself, but think so highly of me.” his last sentence was whispered and you could sense disappointment in his voice. Slowly, you opened your eyes and were met with his saddened blue orbs. His expression held pain and you found yourself slipping into the abyss of his oceanic eyes.  
“I never wanted to hurt you, (y/n). I do feel the same, I love you…you don’t hurt the ones you love,” his eyes fell to the floor and his hand slipped from your face. His body shifted as to step away from you; his actions were troubling. If everything he had done was just an act, and what he said was true….

“I love you, Castiel,” he rose his head and you filled in the space between you. He felt a sense of unease as you gently laid your head on his chest. He had always wanted to hold you, but now that he had the chance he didn’t really know what to do. He didn’t want to do anything wrong; you had been through enough. His arms wrapped around you slowly and you relaxed into his embrace. Just like you had thought, he arms were comforting; they made you feel safe.

“I dont deserve you,” he whispered down into your ear. Honestly, he couldn't understand how you could be so forgiving, so trusting of his words. After everything he’s done to hurt you?  
“You deserve the world, (y/n),” he finished, holding you closer to him.

“I only want you, Feathers. To me, you are the world and I’ve only ever just wanted you.” you pushed back for a second and stood on your toes to place a kiss to his cheek. A light blush rose to his face and you smiled at him before resting your head back on his chest.


End file.
